Urgh! I had run 7.5 miles every other day for the past three months, and four miles every other day for three months before that. Besides running, I also lifted weights and cut calories … a lot of calories. None of it made any difference. As I stared in the mirror, only one thought came to mind: I am fat.
The obvious problem was that at 5-foot-5-inches, I amassed a mere 98 pounds. This put me at a BMI (body mass index) of 16.3 when the healthy minimum, according to the Eating Disorders Institute, is 19 or 20.
Before coming to Boston College, I had been relatively satisfied with my body. I was a member of two varsity teams throughout high school and maintained an active lifestyle. Once I saw the girls at BC, however, it seemed as though, unless I was a size 2 or smaller, I wasn't good enough to be here.
Focusing on the fat on my thighs, each day was no longer about my friends, course work, or social events; food became my obsession. Initially, I still allowed myself some form of breakfast - usually an apple. This would be followed by class, the Plex, and homework. Dinner was after 6 p.m. and consisted of a chocolate chip cookie with skim milk. Soon, breakfast was replaced with a Diet Coke, and dinner became a handful of M&Ms. Walking through campus and sitting in class, I would catch people staring at me. Ignorantly, I assumed they were jealous of how "fit" I was.
My life and body began to deteriorate. I stopped going out. Socializing with others interfered with my eating disorder and the micromanagement of food and exercise. I was on an emotional roller coaster; one minute I was the happiest girl you would meet, and the next I was crying in class for no reason. Physically, I became whiter than a ghost, my face gaunt and my hair thinned.
One night, after scrambling up the desk into my bunk, I was unable to catch my breath. I lay there for half an hour attempting to breathe normally. It was impossible. Reaching out to the one person I lived for anymore, I texted my boyfriend. I told him I was scared to go to sleep, afraid I would die in the night. Halfway across the country and clueless about my health, he thought I was being ridiculous.
Spring Break
derval kenny
posted 11/10/08 @ 1:48 PM EST
Thank you for sharing your story with us. You are a brave girl. It takes a lot of courage to admit publicly that you are battling a disease such as this. (Continued…)