The fiercer, nastier, more dangerous mascots of the Big East conference are salivating over the prospect of preying on the weaker, lamer Terriers.

Still smarting from the departure of athletic powerhouse Boston College, the Big East Conference pulled what many observers see as a desperate move to maintain football solvency, inviting the previously defunct Boston University football team to join the conference for the 2005 season.

"There needs to be a Big East football presence in Boston, plain and simple," said conference commissioner Mike Tranghese. Tranghese became visibly upset when asked why Harvard and Northeastern were passed over, given their success at the Division 1AA level.

"Those schools rejected our offers," Tranghese muttered, pulling his collar. "The presidents of those universities felt they would face a higher level of competition by staying out of the Big East and in their respective Division 1AA conferences."

BU officials could be seen walking around campus with dollar signs in their eyes. "This is a wonderful opportunity for our university," said interim president Aram Chobanian. "It will present a tremendous amount of work for everyone in the administration. My only hope is that BU will have found a real president by then."

Among the many monumental tasks facing BU in the move to the Big East is a stadium befitting a mid-major Division 1A conference team. BU's old football team, disbanded in 1997, played at Nickerson Field, which seats approximately 200 people.

That facility would have to be dramatically refurbished. The Big East recently rejected a proposal by BU to change league rules and allow the Terriers to play in the recently constructed, shiny Agganis Arena.

"Have you ever seen arena football? It's the wave of the future," said Michael Lynch, BU director of athletics. "Those teams score like 70 points a game. It's exciting!

"OK, let's call a spade a spade," Lynch continued. "That arena is all we've got. Look at this place. We don't even have a campus."

Efforts to reach BU president emeritus John Silber in his secret underground laboratory were unsuccessful. A spokesman alluded to the fact that Silber was in the process of plotting the conquest of the earth.

Silber was the evil genius who originally orchestrated the breakup of the football team in 1997, when he served as chancellor.

"The University of Paris, University of Oxford, and University of Cambridge have gotten along remarkably well and never had football," Silber was quoted as saying in the BU Daily Free Press shortly after the decision.

The reporter then reminded Silber that there was a better chance of Abraham Lincoln riding into the room on a rhinoceros than BU even remotely approaching the academic reputation of those schools. Silber only laughed maniacally.

BU has already solved the problem of a head football coach, tapping current men's ice hockey head coach Jack Parker for the job.

"Jack has already done a marvelous job teaching his guys to play like football players," said Lynch. "Our hockey players are constantly interfering, clotheslining, and making contact to the head of opponents. Jack is a great football teacher."

Efforts to reach Parker for comment were also unsuccessful, as he was busy questioning the heart and ability of the BC men's ice hockey team.

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